適材適所 적재적소 “The right material for the right place.” (Old Korean adage)
June 29, 2024 (May 24th by the lunar calendar)
I was born the first daughter to parents of very high ideals, ancestors of noteworthy contributions in American history, and great expectations were placed upon me. Always aware of this and eager to make them happy, ambitious to do many things in life, I first wanted to become a neurosurgeon, studied medical books and encyclopedias, and memorized the Latin names of all 208 bones in the human body and our organic systems.
At night I kept my brother James up with dreams and plans of setting up business and basically designing an ideal world. In school, I competed to get the best grades and finally achieved all A’s in 6th grade at Amidon Elementary School in Washington, D.C. In sight of the Capitol, our school had brilliant pupils, the kids of Ambassadors to Chile, the Soviet Union, and other countries. It was a multi-racial, international environment.
Yesterday evening an event happened: The local Unification Church in Seorak held a gathering for families hoping to wean their up-and-coming youngsters for the Blessing. Sayaka shared her testimony with well-prepared slides illustrating the stages of applying as a candidate, searching the B4U church matching site, several false starts, finding her beau Koh Bong-Gyeong from Chuncheon, contacting him, making prayer and fast conditions, meeting him, our first meeting as parents with the prospective couple, our warm approval and support, their engagement ceremony at Chuncheon Church, getting to know one another, the Blessing on May 7, 2023, and their formal wedding on Sept. 23, 2023, and subsequent honeymoon. It was all very inspiring.
Then testimonies went around the square arrangement of tables. Masha was seated at the head; I was there too. Fujiko-san got tied up with a phone call and didn’t come in till somewhat later, and even hid behind a pillar. She ought to have come to sit in front with our family. Bong-Gyeong also should have sat beside his wife. Why were people so shy?
My turn came, and I waxed frank and sincere, and shared a couple of humorous anecdotes. One was about how one ebullient professor asked how many children we had, and I said, “We have two daughters.” He impatiently retorted, “No—I mean sons!” I got mad and said, “Daughters are just as good as sons!” That was our rift; we didn’t bury the hatchet for a whole year after that.
The second story was a bit of a faux pas, but I didn’t realize my mistake till Fujiko-san called me on it at home late that night. I shared about meeting Bong-Gyeong’s parents, and I had said I was an airplane pilot, to sort of find a common base with his dad who was a bus driver (we both ferried passengers—a somewhat similar job). But Fujiko-san railed me for seeming to be one up on his dad. Actually, that was not my motivation at all, but to make a base of relationship. Moreover, at that family gathering Sayaka had taken issue with what I said: “He’s not an airplane pilot! He never even got his license!” She should not have said that. It was a serious mistake of not supporting or agreeing with her parents, and causing me to appear a liar.
There is a principle of Positive Thinking that lying is not such a bad thing as it’s made out to be; in fact, a person exaggerates or misrepresents a situation in order to boost morale or protect the ego of others. This is the heartistic motivation of the person to protect or support others. Thus “truth” itself is less an issue than moral support, encouragement, or protection of other people. This aspect ought to be considered. Western people are all too emphatic about “precise truthfulness” (honesty) as a crucial core value, but that is not so esteemed worldwide in other cultures.
I got a bit angry at Fujiko-san: “You don’t understand! That wasn’t my motivation at all, to put him down. You don’t know my heart: I’ve always been put down all my life! My uncle Jack Walker was adopted as a poor orphan by my mother’s Aunt Bab, and he became an airplane pilot in the Second World War. Then he became the skipper of the aircraft carrier. Later he became the captain of the USS Constellation. He was made Admiral of the U.S. Navy. Then he became Commander of the Pacific Fleet during the Vietnam War. Finally he was NATO Military Commander in Europe. He came up from being a poor boy! That’s the way I am! I climbed up by my own effort! And you’ve done nothing but put me down my whole life!” And I stalked off.
But still that issue lingered on, bothering my mind. During 철야정성 Rev. E Gi-seong was saying, “능력 (skill, ability) is nothing! The only valuable thing is to become One with True Mother!” He ranted on in his shouting and demeaning way. But his words are also self-contradictory: for at other times he has been saying, “Now in this age we need 능력, for we are to take leadership and mastery in all areas of society.”
So in the morning, I went to pray about this. Then God gave me the word, “적재적소.” (“The proper material for the proper place” or “A person should be assigned to the job that is appropriate for his/her skills and abilities.”) Dr. Cho Hyung-Woo, Principal of CheongShim International Academy, taught me that expression, applying it to me, rather aghast that our Unification movement hasn’t put me in the sort of position I belong. He recognized that I have been dismissed, put down, undervalued, and poorly used throughout my church life. (He’s not our member but a Presbyterian minister.)
But I reflected on, still in consultation with Heavenly Parent, and God went on to look at things from a more long-term perspective. When I was first witnessed, my spiritual father Otto Weisskopf, at the Marktplatz in München, asked, “What is the purpose of your life?” to which I replied without hesitation, “The purpose of my life is to contribute to the benefit of humankind through science and technology.” Nobody has such a ready answer, but I had thought about it for four years and that was my firm conclusion. But he retorted, “No! The purpose of your life is Happiness!” To me that was foolishness and irresponsible, for I thought happiness was just an illusion, and basically impossible. Anyway, I followed him to our Center, for I could feel his innocence and good nature. And as you see, I have joined.
Have I attained happiness? Well, I was happy to meet the Messiah, hopeful for the Blessing, and happy that God trusted me to confer upon me the most difficult of tasks, and ultimately, that has actually led to the true happiness I feel now.
But that happiness, and the pathway I have walked, have had almost nothing to do with the skills, ambitions, interests, hobbies, or pursuits of my youth. I was a prolific girl: Going around the neighborhood doing odd jobs, taking care of elderly people, picking up bottles for small cash, then I got a Washington Post delivery route so I could make real money, waking up at 4:30 am every morning, delivering up to 430 papers on Sunday. I was very punctual and reliable. Then with the money, I took my bike to Hyde Field in Clinton, Maryland, took flying lessons, and got my solo license. I was working my way through the rigorous Private Pilot’s License Examination and Certification, passing many tests—medical, theoretical, practical, and hands-on navigation. Flying was my dream! It still is; I have never yielded up that hope, longing, and ambition. Flying is my soul.
But this morning God said otherwise: “Your true value is not your skills but to be a daughter of God.” I laid there reflecting… “That makes sense. Heavenly Parent is right.”
What kind of a child was I? I did literally EVERYTHING! I had boundless dreams and ambitions, and I made concrete plans and efforts to realize them.
First, I pledged to be Good and never to grow old like the adults I saw who were fagged out, lost souls, corrupt. Even family members of mine—parents and relatives—plainly had this “poison” (Original Sin) that I could clearly see all around me, yet I was pure. I was a Blessed (“Gifted”) Child! This I knew, long before meeting our Church or any other church.
Next, after hearing about Einstein and his dream, I determined to solve his unsolved quest for the Unified Field Theory. Indeed I could find the right solution between 1995 and 1997, which I could confirm, sharpen up, get the mathematical equations, meet the Russian scientists who had also found the answer, and connect it to the Heavenly Parent God (“The Absolute Nothing” they call it). I had different terms but the structure, contents, and relations correlated closely. Plus I added a bunch more concepts and extensions that they had not discovered, for a more complete “Theory of Everything”. My theory went beyond physics, to the extent that the Russian scientist Yuri Kulakov contemptuously called it “Another one of those humanistic theories.” Little did he know.
Einstein himself, looking over my shoulder, recognized the solution for his long-sought quest in the pillars of Unification Thought: universal prime force and sung-sang. These connect God to the physical world and the bridge between the transcendental and the material is complete.
I also learned to fly. Flying is closest to my heart, particularly soaring, which originally I had hoped to do, but it was impractical. God wanted me to do powered aviation, which was more subjective than gliding, where you are very much subject to the vagaries of the elements.
However, three-quarters of the way through my private pilot license test, which stretched out over many days, God suddenly told me to stop. That remains as a deep han for me, for I gave up the most precious thing in my heart. I couldn’t explain it to anyone. Even my mom, who at first had said I couldn’t do such a thing because I was too absent-minded, was disappointed that I gave it up. No one understood. It remained an unspeakable secret in my heart. I kept it buried, but it has lingered as han all these years. [“Han” here is a secret buried deep in your heart that you can’t share; no one would understand you.]
Another skill was music. I joined the Jefferson Jr. High School Orchestra in 7th grade at age twelve (one of the most signal years of my life), learned to play the oboe, performed at the Pentagon and the White House, and went on through senior year at Gonzaga College High School. I still remember every note of every symphony piece we played, and whistle or sing them to myself even now. To have had to give up music is also a very deep han. I have a skill that is very noble, yet had to sacrifice that too. [Here “han” is the feeling of wanting with all your heart to do something you love, but never being able to fulfill it.]
The religious aspect is interesting. It wasn’t religion for me, but an ongoing conversation with the deep source of existence itself, for which I had no name, but followed absolutely, more than any religious people. I knew I was a Blessed Child, I knew people had original sin, I knew the cause of the fall was sex and sin is perpetuated by sex, I pledged to keep absolute purity, I made a Five-Point Swear, taught my brothers and sisters to likewise pledge, witnessed to people everywhere, and got persecution. My testimony is just like those 2nd gens who get up on stage and share theirs at 철야정성 (Nightly Prayer Vigil). Han again, for no one knows my course, and I get put down all my life everywhere I go. I feel very close to True Mother’s heart, for my own course is like Mother’s. [“Han” is the Korean term for a pent-up heart at being misunderstood and undervalued all one’s life.]
I helped Mama with cooking, learned to prepare and cook dinner myself, along with my brothers and sisters, and did the laundry too, including all the lingerie, and everything. I was a good daughter, my parents’ pride and delight and hope, in whom they invested everything. And of course, when I joined the Unification Church they were shattered, blamed one another, and finally got divorced. What a tragedy. How come no one believed me? Han big time, all my life, even now.
Languages were my next hobbyhorse. As we drove down from the peak of Mt. Pacifico, Mama told me about a Polish linguist who mastered 26 languages. I determined I would be like Jerzy Kurylowicz. So I set out to learn first Spanish (with Mama at Boulder along Lake Mead), next Russian (after watching Dr. Zhivago with my friend Corbin Lyday)—Mary and I studied Russian from a Stalin-era handbook from the Soviet Union. The first sentence I learned, I’ll never forget, was “Им весело вставать и одеваться при солнышке.” (“The children were happy waking up with the morning sun and getting dressed.”) That was so cool. I went on to study just one short summer semester Russian at Antioch College at age 17, waking up in the cool dawn mist, studying Russian diligently while sitting in the wet dewy grass. Somehow even without a teacher, I knew how to pronounce Russian words correctly. In the Church, we always prayed for the Soviet Union, and every time I went to jail for fundraising as a Moonie, I chalked it up as indemnity to one day liberate Russia from the yoke of Communism. As Destiny would have it, eventually I went to Russia on my 37th Birthday in 1991, and ended up staying there for eighteen years till we finally packed up in 2010 and came to Korea. Our two daughters Masha (Mariya Jeong-Ah Stoertz) and Sayaka Soon Ji Kawasome Stoertz were both born in Moscow at public clinic No. 4 Роддом, г.Москва. They went to regular public school No. 1623 Государственная Общественная Школа, Южный Административный Округ, г. Москва. Everything is so formal in the former U.S.S.R. Our girls still speak exclusively Russian with one another to this day, like their special private girls’ language and treasure.
After that came Germany. I followed God’s revelation to me in the desert at Clark Lake Radio Observatory under the full moon in 1973. Later I met our Church (IOWC) by obeying God’s message to walk to Munich as I sat in the library in Tubingen in June 1975.
Japanese I learned without a textbook or dictionary, mainly from team mothers in MFT. I use it every day, including last night at the meeting.
Korean was a natural. I started studying while doing a 7-day fast, with a US Army Korean language manual, while fundraising door-to-door in Tacoma, Washington.
Why did I fast for seven days? Because I got God’s message that I would be Blessed with True Parents’ first child, while fundraising on a wheelchair at the Seattle Space Needle. Now, watching a Full Flight Video of a flight from Kansas City to Seattle, looking out the window, I view the Space Needle far below, between rafts of ground fog, and recall that day, October 25, 1978.
See how important revelations (basically conversations with God) are in my life? I found the Unified Field Theory by prayer alone: I would ask God questions and She would answer me directly and concisely. From start to finish, over several years, centering around August 15, 1995.
Then God told me to put away the U.F.T. “For I have something more Abel-type for you to do. Even if you throw this away, someone else will find it.” I obeyed at once. I started a 700-day prayer condition, during which two Russian sisters died, Tamara Shmelyova on August 9, 1997 and Polina Lepyoshkina on September 2/3, 1999. God gave Polina and me the mission to establish the Cornerstone for the Heaven-and-Earth Unification and East-West Unification. Rev. Lee Gi-Seong has great contempt for me, but he doesn’t have any idea how foundational and deeply rooted this labor is, and how it is fully approved by God, despite whatever he rants against me. For him, I am his enemy. But I have no enemies.
That brings up the last frontier: Satan. God (and indirectly Fujiko and E Gi-Seong) handed me the most challenging mission of all: to befriend Satan, understand his heart and what really happened all down through history (which is somewhat different than we customarily suppose in Divine Principle—now we’re homing in on the deeper aspects of Principle, providential history, and God’s deep core truth, heart, and will.
We found out what actually happened, what was Satan’s original mission, his heart, his motivation, what really caused the fall (a bit different than the Principle book says), why Satan was put in charge of fallen people (not really because he intended to usurp God’s position and seize dominion over Adam and Eve, their descendants, and the whole Creation), what has been the history of humanity, what was Satan’s purpose, desire, motivation, the process, and the results (more disparities from our Principle book), how Satan viewed victorious Central Figures who performed up to par, professionalism, Satan’s ongoing mission and service even now, the process of undoing the sinful world centered on True Parents, the stepwise restoration of Satan himself and the fallen world, his confession, repentance and surrender, and what is his position now, and what will be his ongoing mission in Heavenly Parents Holy Community.
The bottom line. Satan is not our enemy nor God’s enemy. The real enemy is our own human irresponsibility and evil mind, fallen mindset, fallen habits, self-centered desire, and not taking ownership of God’s hope, dream, vision, and plan. If a person does a good job, Satan praises, affirms, certifies, and will support that person.
So, once again, and every day, even last night more vehemently than before, as if with wrath and vengeance and hatred, Rev. Lee Gi-seong is blasting away with his rhetorical barrage against Satan. Hatred? He has obvious hatred toward Satan, neither love nor understanding. He has enemies. Satan and I are two of his enemies. But he is not our enemy. God has no enemies.
But actually, he himself may realize these facts. He is in a sense play-acting, for when dealing with adolescent youngsters who are coming out of a very sinful situation, like in a Christian “Holy Roller” congregation, you just have to be absolute and clear, like at a high school football rally. No room for finesse. Balance is not the issue. Some people prefer and even need a firm dictator.
But we’re speaking in terms of absolute, ultimate, fundamental, original truth that accords with God’s original shimjeong, His/Her universal parental heart. God created nothing evil. Perhaps the closest thing to “evil” is free will, the treasure of human beings, which bewilders even the Archangels, who apparently are indignant that God would endow imperfect beings with such a dangerous and unpredictable liability.
They cannot fathom the wisdom and love and vision and dream of God in endowing flaky created flesh with the responsibility for their own growth, and the destiny and well-being of the entire precious Cosmos in our own hands.
That is God’s true heart, still a long way from our own understanding and empathy. Yes, we seem to like a stern, firm, clear dictator. Yet one day your children, Rev. Lee Gi-seong, your own students, like in the movie An Officer and a Gentleman, shall declare their Freedom and transcend your gripping dominion. As you yourself say, “천보 초월하여! (Transcend CheonBo! – CheonBo means Heaven’s Treasures).” You shall be obliged to empower them to be self-standing God’s true sons and daughters in maturity and perfection. After all, that’s what you, God and Satan long to see, right?
Then in the long view, what’s happened is that Heaven has seeded in me many talents as gifts I could potentially cultivate, but the most precious internal legacy, truly a long shot, in case I should unite with Heaven’s deep heart and will: to set all these aside and seek God!
Throughout this essay we see the word “han” repeated many times. The question arises: “If the Kingdom of Heaven should be such a happy place, why is there so much han?” How to explain that paradox? We want to make a happy world, but true happiness is based on values that are not merely material nor self-indulgent. True values are hard to find in our world. The way of God’s will is not popular and not easy. Jesus bore the cross. This is the ultimate example of “han”: The sorrowful heart of Jesus Christ who loves us so much yet had to leave so tragically, yet still with the hope and promise of His resurrection and His return one day. Now that day has come, and by completing this path of tears and blood, all the pent-up grief and sorrow of humanity and of Heaven shall finally be liberated, and we shall live in the true, happy world of love as one family where God dwells here with us.
williamstoertz 